How to Overcome the Fear of Irrelevance

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Volunteering to help others can be rewarding in many ways, including the sense that you are relevant and important in the lives of other people.

Maybe you had a rewarding career with a lot of responsibility and now you’re retired. Or perhaps you devoted your time to raising a family and the kids are out of the house and living far away. Or maybe your life’s journey didn’t center on career and children, but other pursuits and challenges that are now largely a part of your past, not your present.

Regardless of how you arrived at this point, you may find yourself quite content with how you’re living your life. But if you’re like a lot of older adults, you may also have a nagging sense that your relevance or importance to others—whatever you want to call it—isn’t what it once was.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Indeed, if you’re questioning your relevance in your family and community, it may be time to reframe your thinking about all the things you’ve done and all the ways you can still contribute. It’s likely that you matter to others in ways you may not fully understand.

Gregory Fricchione, MD, associate chief of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) and director of the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind-Body Medicine at MGH, acknowledges that as people are living longer, there are more years to contemplate ideas such as relevance. But he cautions that how you think about it can make a significant difference in how it affects your life.

“If you let the negativity of your perceived irrelevance take hold and don’t look for opportunities to grow intellectually and be part of the conversation, you’re going to suffer consequences,” he says.

The Dangers of Feeling Irrelevant

Several studies in recent years have noted the risks of feeling unimportant to peers and family members. A 2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, for example, notes that feeling as though you don’t matter is a major contributor to loneliness, which in turn is a risk factor for depression and cognitive decline, as well as physical health complications, such as high blood pressure and a weakened immune system.

A 2021 study in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction echoed those findings, suggesting that older adults who feel important to others tend to thrive, while their peers who lack that sense of relevance are more likely to suffer cognitive, emotional, and physical health problems as a result. The research also found that the isolation that characterized the first several months of the COVID-19 pandemic only exacerbated the harmful effects of feeling irrelevant.

Dr. Fricchione suggests that it may not be relevance that people feel is slipping away, but connectedness. Numerous studies have underscored the necessity of interacting with other people on a regular basis to maintain healthy cognition and avoid mental health disorders, such as depression and anxiety.

“People can’t do without social connections and attachments,” Dr. Fricchione says, adding that living in an era where grown children and their parents and siblings often live far apart, there is an even greater need to deliberately and intentionally maintain family bonds and form new friendships.

Overcoming Irrelevance

But even people who have a healthy social network and plenty of family responsibilities can still find themselves feeling worthless or unimportant. You may be someone who survived childhood trauma, only to carry feelings of guilt or insignificance into adulthood. Some people struggle to deal with negative criticism that affects self-esteem. And certainly difficulties handling stress or grief or having a mental health condition such as depression can seem impossible to overcome.

If you find that feeling unimportant or worthless is shaping your everyday outlook and getting in the way of maintaining healthy relationships and accomplishing your regular responsibilities, it may be time to talk with a therapist. These feelings you have are quite common, and a mental health professional experienced in working with older adults may be able to help you find the strategies to readjust your thinking or pursue new opportunities with confidence and optimism.

You can also start to find the tools that will help you by brainstorming ways you can make a difference in the lives of others. It may require playing a much different role these days, but the rewards may be even greater. “If you were a CEO you don’t have to try to be relevant by getting another job as a CEO,” Dr. Fricchione says, adding that many people in retirement view this time as a way to mentor younger people and pass the baton, as it were.

“The reality is that it’s natural law,” Dr. Fricchione adds. “Your time has changed. You can either argue with that idea and be miserable or be graceful within it and think about ways you can contribute.”

Paradox of Aging

For plenty of older adults, the issue of irrelevance isn’t really an issue at all. “Society has many vehicles for maintaining relevance and purpose as you age,” Dr. Fricchione says. “In terms of your family, if you’re blessed to have children and grandchildren, feeling relevant just comes naturally.”

Even if you’re not directly involved in the everyday lives of your children, grandchildren, other relatives, friends, co-workers, and others in your world, take a few moments now and then to think about how you have influenced these people. Think about the lessons you’ve taught others or the role modeling you’ve done or just the little things here and there that have made a difference.

In the 1946 film “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey became so overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and a sense that the world would be better off without him that he considered taking his life. Instead, he was allowed to see just how relevant he was in the lives of so many people, and it gave him a new, grateful, and hopeful outlook.

Dr. Fricchione suggests that older adults with strong friendships or who volunteer or are otherwise engaged with other people through clubs or other organizations can also take some comfort in knowing that they are valued and appreciated by their peers. Dr. Fricchione suggests that this population represents a concept known as the “paradox of aging.”

In essence, the paradox of aging is the idea that despite having endured loss, faced health concerns or other challenges associated with growing older, and acknowledged that there are fewer years ahead than behind them, many older adults report being happier and more satisfied with life now than when they were young. They see these years as time to take care of themselves.

“One idea is that when we’re young, recognition is so important,” Dr. Fricchione explains. “There’s this sense of always striving for more. But when you reach a certain age, you realize you don’t have to be competitive anymore. You can finally relax and enjoy life a little more.”

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