The Company You Can Keep
Whether you’re married, recently divorced, widowed, or single, friends are very important to well-being.
“While one’s social circle might become smaller with advancing years, the quality of friendships can be more rewarding and stronger,” says UCLA psychologist Alan Castel, PhD, and author of Better with Age. “Friends can make people feel valued, check in to ensure people are in good health, and also can motivate you to exercise, such as to walk and talk.”
Recognizing the perils of loneliness and having strategies to make friends throughout life may help you better value socializing and make the effort to maintain human bonds.
Loneliness Is Harmful to Health
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Here’s where you might find new friends:
- Meetup groups
- Online dating sites for older adults
- Places of worship
- Facebook special interest groups
- YMCAs
- AARP local events
- Community centers
- Fitness-oriented fundraisers
Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has said that loneliness in the United States poses a greater, more intractable public health crisis than tobacco use or obesity.
“During my years caring for patients, the most common pathology I saw was not heart disease or diabetes; it was loneliness,” Murthy wrote in the Harvard Business Review in 2017. “The elderly man who came to our hospital every few weeks seeking relief from chronic pain was also looking for human connection: He was lonely. The middle-aged woman battling advanced HIV who had no one to call to inform that she was sick: She was lonely too. I found that loneliness was often in the background of clinical illness, contributing to disease and making it harder for patients to cope and heal.”
Feeling lonely occasionally is normal. But research shows that chronic loneliness is associated with greater risk for cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, cognitive impairment, and poor sleep. Certainly, these conditions may cause a person to become more isolated, but knowing isolation can make matters worse may motivate people to connect. If you know someone who is struggling with chronic conditions, consider reaching out to him or her more regularly. Even a quick phone call to check in and briefly chat can be helpful.
Getting Out and About
Online social networks are great resources for finding people of like mind. Facebook.com, Meetup.com, and AARP.org all have local groups and events. Look for gatherings related to your interests, for example, bird watching, fly fishing, gardening, and book clubs. Use social platforms to find things to do, not just to hang out online. Libraries, local newspapers, and senior centers are also filled with activity ideas and people wanting to meet.
“If you do the things you enjoy in social settings, you will meet other people who share similar interests,” adds Dr. Castel. “Being a regular at an exercise class, coffee shop or library can also lead to interactions that can be important.”
Talk About It
Striking up a conversation can be intimidating, especially for those who are a bit shy. Here’s a simple formula to try: Ask questions. Listen. Ask follow-up questions on something you heard. For example, if you’re at an art exhibition, ask someone what they like about the artist. At a lecture, you might inquire what a person thought about something the speaker said. In more general settings, like a gym or house of worship, you might comment on someone’s interesting piece of jewelry and ask where they got it. It gets easier with practice, and before you know it, a conversation ensues.
“Friendships can develop with people when you also least expect it,” says Dr. Castel. “It is important to be open-minded about going out in the world and meeting people.”
Prioritize and Maximize Friendships
Of course, being a friend is every bit as important as having a friend. It’s a two-way street that depends upon honest exchanges, values, and mutual support. Share how you feel, and ask others how they are doing. Call those you care about and set a specific date to get together. Even if you haven’t spoken to someone in a while, chances are they would welcome a phone call. It’s estimated that up to 30 percent of older adults are lonely, so there are many people who would appreciate contact.
Finally, celebrate events with others, and consider scheduling regular gatherings, such as for potlucks, knitting circles, or playing cards.
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