Same-Sex Families – Are the children REALLY okay?

In Australia, it was not too long ago that most people believed the essential family structure for children included one mother and one father. Different family structures, such as same-sex and even single-parent families, were seen as inadequate or even downright damaging for children.

The idea that these children lacked sufficient male and female role models was common. There were also fears, albeit less spoken, that children who grew up in same-sex families were at greater risk of pursuing a ‘gay lifestyle’. Keep in mind that at this time in society, a ‘gay lifestyle’ was considered by many to include promiscuity, drug use and other ‘undesirable’ or ‘deviant behaviours’.

It isn’t hard to see where these ideas came from. Look in any culture’s history and find discrimination against minority groups. This discrimination is typically fuelled by misinformation and fear – fear of something or someone different from the majority and not understood.

In fact, through learning about groups we fear or lack understanding, we begin to break down discrimination. Instead of seeing a group or community as foreign and different,  we begin to see how alike we are. We see similarities in desires, goals and beliefs. The reality is we are all far more alike than we are different.

What does the research say?

In the last 20 years, there has been significant research into LGBTQIA+ individuals, issues and culture, including extensive research into same-sex families. In particular, how children raised in these families compared to their mainstream peers, including cognitively, academically, socially, physically and emotionally.

In 2014, a review was completed of 40 high-quality research studies on the children of same-sex parents. A similar survey was also conducted in 2017 of 79 studies across 30 years of research. Both reviews found overwhelming evidence that children in same-sex families do just as well as children in opposite-sex families. There was no variance in their social skills, intelligence, school grades or psychological health. The review also found that children of same-sex families were no more or less likely to develop problem behaviour, like early sexual activity or drug abuse.

Are there advantages to being raised by same-sex parents?

The studies found that children raised in same-sex families have advantages over children from opposite-sex families. For example, children growing up in same-sex families tended to be more open-minded and accept diversity in sexual identities, genders and family types. They also had a more in-depth understanding of, and commitment to social justice and equality.

The reason for these findings is likely born out of struggle. Despite some significant steps forward in legislation and social policies, same-sex families still fight discrimination and stigmatisation. It is perhaps true that growing up aware of these struggles raise these children’s awareness of social justice issues more broadly. As American historian and philosopher, Howard Zinn stated, ‘If you join a fight for social justice, you may win or lose, but just by being part of the struggle, you win, and your life will be better for it.’

What about the effect of discrimination on children?

However, it is not all sunshine and lollipops on the research front for same-sex families. As we have discussed, same-sex families face discrimination and stigmatisation, which can often appear in the form of bullying for children. For example, in 2021, a study on adolescents with lesbian parents focused on how others treated them. At age 17, 40% of adolescents in the study group said people mistreated them because of their parents’ sexuality.

This stigmatisation had ongoing consequences, with these adolescents being at greater risk of developing psychological problems in adulthood. Common issues included feelings of worthlessness, loneliness and anxiety. Difficulties with impulse control were also seen, resulting in behaviours like uncontrolled or misdirected anger, rule-breaking, and alcohol or drug abuse.

Interestingly, a study conducted in 2008 compared the wellbeing of children raised in same-sex families in the US versus those raised in same-sex families in the Netherlands. The study found that the US children experienced far higher rates of homophobic bullying and were also more likely to hide their family structure from others. The study’s authors highlighted greater levels of social acceptance in the Netherlands as a possible reason for these results. For the record, the Netherlands legalised same-sex marriage in 2001.

In addition, a 2009 study compared the mental wellbeing of lesbian mothers in Canada (where same-sex marriage was legalised in 2005) with lesbian mothers in the US (where the same-sex marriage debate still rages). It found that discriminatory policies, such as a lack of equal marriage rights, caused unnecessary strain on children and parents. Keep in mind that a lack of marriage rights can mean only the birth parent in a same-sex family can make medical/educational decisions for their children. It can also leave spouses legally unable to make medical decisions for their same-sex partner.

This research shows discrimination is damaging for children, and yes, children of same-sex families can be bullied. However, the blame lies with the individuals and social policies supporting and fueling this discrimination, not with same-sex parents.

To drive this point home further, consider this. The rate of bullying observed in the 2021 study of adolescents raised by same-sex families mentioned above was 40%. The Mission Australia Youth Study found another group of adolescents aged 15 – 19 who also experienced bullying at a similar rate of 43%. The group of adolescents was? Adolescents with a disability.

You see, it is a society that creates discrimination, not qualities of family structure or individuals, and therefore it is society at large that should seek to make a change.

What about transgender parents?

Most of the research conducted has been based on lesbian families simply because there are more of them. Also, the research that has been conducted on transgender parents includes only small numbers of families, again simply because there are fewer of them.

That said, the research that has been conducted shows similar results to that of children from same-sex families. Children of transgender parents appear to do as well as children in families without a transgender parent. In addition, given transgender individuals are among the most stigmatised groups in society, the impact of discrimination is as much of a concern—something that policymakers and society leaders need to address.

What do children need to grow up strong?

Children from same-sex families require the same things children in all family types need:

• Unconditionally loving parents
• Gentle guidance
• Safety
• Economic security
• A stable family life
• Educational opportunities
• Freedom to grow, express themselves and make mistakes.

None of this requires parents of a particular gender or sexuality. For the most part, it also does not require two parents to achieve, although economic stability can be tricky as a single parent.

But what about male and female roles?

In the bad old days when men’s and women’s roles were highly stereotypical, there was an argument for the need for gender-based role models. Women were expected to keep house, mother children and be pleasing wives. Men were expected to provide for their family, keep the peace in the household and discipline those who ‘needed it’. Where one or the other role model was missing, children of that gender could struggle to understand their role in society. A society that demanded that they conform to traditional male/female roles.

Today, both women and men have careers and seek professional success. Both men and women care for and nurture children. Both women and men seek a satisfying relationship with a partner. Both men and women cook, mow the lawn and ensure everyone has clean undies to wear tomorrow. In addition, we no longer define men and women purely by the genitals they have between their legs! `

We are starting, albeit slowly, to think of the sex and gender of individuals as being much more fluid. We understand that some individuals do not identify with the sex they were born with (transgender). Some individuals are born with anatomy that doesn’t neatly conform to the male/female pictures we saw in biology class (intersex). We also understand that what we don’t know about gender, for many, is far greater than what we do understand.

What does the village need to do?

Suppose we accept that children of same-sex families do just fine, and we realise that the only difference is the weight of discrimination they face. Then, what can individuals and communities do to support children from same-sex families?

We can offer support by being an LGBTIQA+ ally, which means nurturing the same-sex and rainbow families in our community, standing up for the rights of families, irrespective of their structure and refusing to accept stigmatisation. It also means reflecting on our thoughts about members of LGBTIQA+ communities and questioning whether these thoughts are based on truth or assumptions. In this way, little by little, we can continue to turn the tide and create more inclusive communities where discrimination is not tolerated or welcome.

Reference List

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