What to Expect When Adult Children Become Their Parents’ Caregivers

Even when a son or daughter has moved out of the house and is starting life as a young adult, the dynamic between parent and child often remains similar to what it has always been: The parent is wiser and can be turned to for help when needed.

But over time, the dynamic shifts, and it can be the parent who needs help from an adult child. This change can be an opportunity for sons and daughters to “repay” parents for their love and care they received as children. Family bonds can be strengthened. But it can also be a stressful or uncomfortable time, leading to sibling disputes and feelings of resentment experienced by everyone involved.

“It is well known that medical advances have contributed to increased life spans,” says Barbara Moscowitz, MSW, LISCW, with Massachusetts General Hospital’s Department of Palliative Care and Geriatric Medicine. “It is no longer unusual for adults to live beyond their eighties with same-age spouses and children who might be retired from professional life and past age 65. While many are surviving acute episodes of illness, more of us are living with a number of chronic diseases, which may diminish independence and create an unexpected challenge for an individual to seek and receive care from adult children.”

Be Aware of What’s Ahead

When the child becomes the caregiver, it can be a gradual development. An older parent slowly loses function and independence, placing greater burdens on the child for transportation and other needs. Or, a stroke or other sudden event can upend the relationshipÊovernight.

Whenever possible, Moscowitz recommends families share in their caregiving duties, because those responsibilities only add to the full plate most working adults have week in and week out. “Adult children who have conflicting demands of jobs, family and their own economic pressures should join other family members to respond to illness and in order to integrate what the impact may be on the life of parent and family,” she suggests.

But Moscowitz also warns that sibling rivalries or resentments from childhood can linger well into adulthood. Having to care for mom and dad can stir up old feelings and complicate current feelings between all family members. “It is not unusual for siblings to fall into patterns of behavior they experienced as children, though they are coming together as adults at a very serious time,” she explains. “We need to understand that the patterns of family life when young resurface later in life and can have tremendous impact on everyone’s behavior.”

While siblings may continue the patterns in their relationships from way back, the parent-child relationship becomes forever changed in these circumstances. “Children lose real or idealized parents, or parents they never had and will never have,” Moscowitz explains. “If an older adult or parent requires assistance to function for the first time, it can be a humbling and difficult moment to receive care from their children. Care-receiving, even when delivered with love and compassion, frequently represents a loss of autonomy, independence and control in an older adult’s life. They are ill, coping with functional challenges and may feel helpless to figure out life. Often serious acute illness or the effect of chronic disease requires relocation and the grief associated with loss of home, possessions and relationships. It is enormously profound and dramatic that we request and need older adults to be flexible and adapt to change at a time of tremendous vulnerability, illness and worry about mortality.”

Complicating Factors

Of course, there is usually much more at play than an adult child’s feelings toward his or her parents or toward their siblings. For example, geographic separation obviously limits the person-to-person caregiving, but it doesn’t necessarily have to keep an adult child from helping. Needed phone calls or other forms of assistance can be accomplished long distance.

Money and resources should also be discussed by all involved. “Questions arise about where will a parent or parents live and which of the children can provide care or support,” Moscowitz says. “Are there sufficient funds to cover paid care, or do children need to contribute? Has the older adult executed a will, health-care proxy and legal documents to facilitate planning?”

Seek Help From Others

No matter the circumstance, caregiving can be both a rewarding and stressful experience. While it’s important to understand all the potential family dynamics at play, it is also important to enlist help from outside the family if necessary. Caregiver support groups can make a world of difference to let you know your experiences aren’t unusual. And if you’d prefer one-on-one conversation, seek out a therapist or a good friend with whom to share your feelings.

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